Fan:Perpetual Doom
| Perpetual Doom | |
|---|---|
| Author: | |
| Completion Status: |
Incomplete |
Prologue
Written by Talmid.
The loud exclamations of boos and jeers from the crowd of onlooking Sentinels was deafening, with smaller groups of hushed Ventures and Assemblies conversing quietly on the situation.
The situation was frequent, and happened regularly, but can't be called normal. The result of a faction war, a group of Paradox Space Marauders, Shinobi, and Sorcerers trudged through the dense masses of Knights, Samurais, and Space Rangers that blocked there way, towards a large, dark gray colored transport vessel, bearing an old, scratched Nexus Force logo clumsily painted on the side.
Sentinel Guards stood by the boarding ramp, and ushered the brigade of Paradox into the starship, which would take them to the prison world of Farpoint, where the defendant Paradox would stand trial and subsequent jail time for their crimes.
Attempted murder of the faction leaders and destruction of the Nexus Force. Through a faction war.
This was only a small part of Paradox, with the rest of the faction under fire from the other factions. The actions of few often severely impacted the many. This was no exception.
The leader of the rebel group of Paradox was known simply as 'thedude', an evil mastermind bent on causing destruction through degrammarization. Together with his sidekick Barney the Dinosaur, they nearly decimated Nexus Tower, but were stopped.
And now those two evil beings were the last to board the transport craft. Turning to his ally in evil, thedude whispered in the T-Rex's non-existent ears, "uporaishon renegad staig too bigens naoow"
The bumbling form of a Kids TV Show Star nodded and giggled maniacally. "Hoo hoo hoo, oh boy oh boy! This will be fun! There are lots of things, you can-"
"shut op" thedude snapped, socking Barney in the jaw.
Being a giant piece of fabric, it didn't hurt Barney, but it prompted him to say one of his famous lines. "We should all be friends."
thedude gritted his teeth to keep from screaming out exaggerated curses at Barney, and silently entered the starship as the Sentinel Guards closed the door-ramp.
The prisoner transport took off away from Nimbus Station, and then uporaishon renegad staig too began.
Chapter One — Strange Message Via Message Pigeon
Written by Thingguy2.
King Matthias sat in anguish in his throne. A month earlier, a strange ship known as the SS Botany Bay had landed in his kingdom and an army of red and black warriors had stepped out. They carried strange, futuristic weapons that smashed his knights with ease and broke through all his outer defenses. His kingdom was in turmoil.
And, to make matters worse, King Matthias feared that these rogues had abducted his daughter, the spunky and independent Lady Jonna. She had gone missing two days prior and he had received no sign of her. He had developed an obsessive and overwhelming hatred for these renegades and had consulted his historian about their identity.
"Excuse me, but do you know any crooked organizations that specialize in terrorizing and kidnapping?" asked King Matthias.
"Did you look in the yellow pages?" asked the historian.
"Um… no," said the King.
"Then don't bother me, I'm busy pouring over textbooks, doing nothing but dusting and looking busy and getting paid for it," said the historian.
King Matthias, being a gentle guy at heart, and not one to execute people because of their manners, let the matter drop. He left the historian's chamber and went to his librarian, looking for the most recent yellow pages.
"Excuse me, but do you have the latest edition of the yellow pages?" asked King Matthias.
"Certainly," said the Librarian, "that'll be £12."
"What?" asked Matthias in disbelief, "but this is a library!"
"And I'm the Royal Librarian," said the Librarian, "now don't bother me, I'm busy pouring over textbooks, doing nothing but dusting and looking busy and getting paid for it."
Feeling as though he had just been through the same experience twice, the King left the library and headed for his room. He climbed the tedious steps (getting an elevator was too far above his budget) and opened the door to his bedchamber. He reached into the drawer next to his bed and pulled out his own phone book. He flipped to the Yellow Pages and scrolled through the "evil" section. There! An add for "Evil Paradox Rouges That Like Pie."
"That's them," Matthias muttered to himself, "I recognize that picture."
Realizing that he would also need some more hands, such as mercenaries, he flipped to the "Knights for rent" section. He came across a relatively cheap organization called "KotOS," or "The Knights of Olde Speech." Matthias looked down at the ad.
PLEASE HIRE US!!!!
PLEASE!
Please?
Pretty please?
55 Unemployed rd., Nimbus Station, LU, 12345
Interested, King Matthias sent a servant down to his Royal Message Pigeon dude.
Sir Talmid sat at his desk, leaning heavily on his chair with his legs propped up on his desktop. He had received permission by the Nexus Force to open a small business in Nimbus Station that would hire out the Knights of Olde Speech to run Elite Errands and tasks for a price. So far, the only people that had hired them out was the Sentinel Faction, to repel a small group of Paradox that was too small for them to bother with. They had received a small payment and now were unemployed.
It was as Talmid was sitting at his desk that a curious blue pigeon with a note attached to his leg flew through his window and relieved itself on his desk. Talmid leapt up and quickly grabbed a paper towel, returning the desk to its original state of immaculate cleanliness.
Talmid set down the paper towel and turned to look at the message pigeon. It was your standard Message Pigeon; blue, plump, and had a message tied to his leg. Talmid reached down and unfastened the note and read it. His eyes moved across the parchment, getting wider with every word. He finished the message and ran into the back room, where his counterparts Thingguy and Lukas were doing their own constructive activities. Thingguy was sleeping with his horse, Deadbeat, and Lukas was knitting.
"C'mon, guys, rally up the other knights!" said Talmid, "We've been hired!"
"Great!" said Lukas, "but I don't know where Legoboy and Seton are."
Thingguy snored.
"They're probably out in the yard," said Talmid, "and we'll need to acquire a transport of some kind."
"Well who hired us?" asked Lukas, "but before you answer, we are on official business, right?"
"Yeah," said Talmid.
"So shouldn't we talk in old-timey talk?" asked Lukas.
"Yeah," Talmid sighed, "whilst out in the main chamber, a blue pigeon approached me and delivered a note from a certain King Matthias giving us the details of a certain mission in which we ward off Paradox Renegades."
"Wait, how did a pigeon accomplish inter-planetary travel?" asked Lukas.
Talmid thought for a moment.
"Or inter-universal travel, for that matter," said Talmid.
Thingguy snored.
"Well, I guess a vague job is better than no job," said Lukas, "count me in."
"Then let's go!" said Talmid.
"I'm busy," mumbled Thingguy.
Three minutes later, four knights and a knight whose face was thoroughly soaked were in a Nexus Transport on their way to the world of Knight's Kingdom.
Chapter two — A chapter with no name
Written by Firelash02.
The Nexus Force Transport landed in Knight's Kingdom and the cargo bay doors slid apart. A ramp extended from under the doorway, and the five knights (and a horse) that were inside walked out into the sunlight, of which there was plenty.
"So this is Knight's Kingdom?" asked Talmid.
"Yep," said Sir Seton.
"That was a rhetorical question," snapped Talmid, "but I've just always wanted to go here."
"Then why haven't you?" asked Lukas.
"Because I didn't know how to get here, that's why," said Talmid.
"I'm tired," said Thingguy.
Deadbeat gave him a long look.
"Easy for you to say!" said Thingguy, " you've got four legs!"
"Do you think we could move this conversation to a place unknown? Like nowhere?"
"I suppose," yawned Thingguy, "arguing is too much work, anyway."
The band of friends moved forward through the outlying villages of Knight's Kingdom, and made good progress towards King Matthias's castle. The band reached the drawbridge and called across for it to be dropped.
"And who might be requesting a top-security maneuver to be done without the king's presence?" asked the Gatekeeper.
"We are!" called Thingguy, "now let us through, I'm getting hungry!"
"Thingguy! This is official; you have to talk in Olde Speech!" muttered Talmid.
"Sorry, but I need some sort of ID or special pass before I can let you through," called the Gatekeeper.
"We were invited here by thy King, the King Matthias, to investigate the strange disappearance of his daughter, and to aid his forces in driving back the Paradox Rogues that are threatening to take over and defeat thee," said Talmid.
"Could you say that again?" asked the Gatekeeper, "in English?"
"JUST LET US OVER!!!!" yelled Talmid.
The Drawbridge was lowered and the gate swung open. The Knights walked through the gate, and the gatekeeper slammed the doors shut behind them immediately after they were over.
"I thank thee, kind sir," said Talmid, "now if thou could be so kind as to escort us to the palace, I would be very appreciative."
"Right," said the Gatekeeper, "I can't help you. Try the village translator. I don't speak French."
"We're not speaking French!" said Sir Legoboy.
"Well I don't speak Spanish, either!"
"What about Welsh?"
"NO!" screamed the Gatekeeper, "I DON'T SPEAK ANYTHING BUT ENGLISH!"
"Okay, okay," said Talmid, "we get it, you can go now."
"I won't be going anywhere!" said the Gatekeeper, "it's you will be leaving! I work here!"
"Oh," said Talmid, "sorry, we'll be off now."
The knights left the gatekeeper and began walking around, hoping for some sign of the location of the castle. Then encountered none, and they soon ran out of patience.
"Excuse me," Thingguy asked a passing villager, "could thee give us directions to the palace?"
"Just follow the yellow-brick-road," said the Villager, and he hurried off.
"The yellow-brick-road?" asked Lukas in amusement, "hey, Thingguy, maybe they'll have flying monkeys!"
"Really?" Thingguy asked in excitement, "LET'S GO!!!!"
The Knights raced after Thingguy, and after a long trek down a yellow road, came to the castle. Talmid walked up to the heavy wooden door and banged his fist on it several times.
"What?" asked the guard posted there, after three minutes of banging,
"We wish to see the King Matthias," said Talmid.
"Why?" asked the guard. Talmid told him and he stroked his beard thoughtfully. "You could be pulling my leg, but he did tell me to watch out for you people, said you'd be coming any time now."
"Good, now let us through," said Talmid.
Not finding a reason to impede them any further, the guard stepped aside and allowed them to pass. They walked through the long, dark hallways and eventually came to a giant door with a sign that read: "Throne Room."
The knights opened the door and stepped into the massive chamber. Due to a shortage of time and imagination, I won't describe the throne room, but leave someone else to do that.
"Thy majesty," said Talmid, bowing, "we hath accepted thy summons and are ready to serve thee in thy struggles."
"Good," said King Matthias, "now here are your instructions."
Chapter 3- Vaguely Familiar
Written by EthanWS.
"Thou art to conquer the Paradox Rogues, and bring back my tender daughter." King Matthias told them.
"Great, more vague instructions." Sir Seton muttered.
Sir Legoboy elbowed Seton in the ribs while Sir Talmid spoke.
"Oh, great King, for sooth, how might we go about these deeds?" Talmid inquired.
"Well, you go outside the castle, go straight for about two miles, hang a left, and you'll be at the Lost Plains, where my daughter was last seen." The King said. "Er- Thou mighty Knights shalt go out the castle in a straight fashion. Oh, I give up; I was never meant for this "Old Talk" business."
Sir Thingguy, despite his drowsiness, would've burst out laughing if a messenger hadn't burst through the huge doors.
"The Paradox are here!" the messenger cried.
The king had a look of horror on his face. "And Vladek?"
The messenger nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but instead he fell face down on the ground, revealing a badly scorched back side.
"Oh fellow knights, we must hasten to do what we are to do." Lukas said.
"He's right; should we split up?" Legoboy asked.
"I suppose we must." Talmid said. "Thingguy, thou art to go on to the Lost Plains and find the Lady Jonna. The rest of us shall stay here and defend the Knights' Kingdom."
Later, after the Knights had been equipped with weapons and armor from the King's armory, and Thingguy had slipped out the back way on Deadbeat before the Paradox had completely surrounded the palace, Talmid, Lukas, Legoboy, and Seton stepped into the castle courtyard.
Talmid was wearing custom armor and holding a custom shield and Fantastic Pilum.
Lukas was wearing pirate-like clothes and holding a massive sword and pistol.
Legoboy was wearing white robes and a hood and holding a staff and blue ball, with a double-bladed ax strapped on his back.
They climbed the steps to the ramparts to look out.
They saw a massive army of Paradox soldiers completely surrounding the castle.
"This is not going to be easy." Talmid muttered.
Chapter 4
Written by Jetplane7575.
Sir Thingguy strode away on Deadbeat, rambling on about he would address Lady Jonna once he found her. "Hello, I have been sent by your father to- no that won't do! The brave Sir Thingguy has arrived! You and your fish will be safe now……."
He seemed to jolt out of drowsiness once Talmid addressed the job to him.
Weird.
King Matthias seemed to follow them up to the lookout ramparts, because once he heard Hycra ask "Go! Matthias addressed the remaining knights. "Take them out! That is why I hired you!"
Talmid bowed. "Thy Majesty have hired thus to search out Lady Jonna. Thy have not employed us to siege out renegades!"
Matthias sighed. "Did you read the contract?"
Sir Lukas squeaked. "No…..why?"
Talmid elbowed him. "We'll take thy rebels out, your Majesty!" Talmid huddled up all the other knights. "We need a plan."
At that moment, King Matthias was the one to yell, in rage. His face turned from yellow, to red. "YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN?!"
As if the brave knights already had a plan, which they didn't, they catapulted into the battlefield below- heading straight for a prison carriage.
Chapter Five - Who's idea was it to launch from a catapult?!
Written by Samlooploop.
"WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO LAUNCH OUT OF A CATAPULT?!" Sir Legoboy yelled, flying through the air with Talmid, Lukas and Seton. Even if they had heard him, there was no time to answer- they were yards away from a fast approaching prison carriage.
"AAAHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHH-"
They smashed on contact, due to the incredible speed they had been traveling at. Rebuilding next the gate, which was still untouched by the Paradox Renegades, Lukas shook his head.
"Faileth."
A messenger came panting up to them, leaning on his knees before looking up to reassure himself of their identities.
"You guys- pant- here, not out there- pant- good, I bring, message, King, pant. He assumes you guys, are, pant, very skilled, huff, so, he wishes for you four, pant, to lead some of his men, huff, as he is too worried 'bout Lady Jonna, for battle. Pant."
Talmid exchanged surprised glances with the rest of the Knights. "Of course, we art ready to serve, but doth not the King hath his own commanders?"
"They fled, when the- pant- Paradox crushed their troops, in, huff, the first battle. None have, stepped up to take, their places." Sir Seton nodded.
"We shall do as he hath requested," he said, "...Where shall we go?" The messenger, now having his breath completely back, explained the details quickly.
".....Now, follow me to the stables, where you will be provided with steeds." The stables weren't far, and inside a groom was already waiting with four beautiful horses. Lukas was given a stout, cheerful, bay horse, while Legoboy mounted a blue-ish looking mare. Seton took the reins of a sleek horse, covered with splotches of tan over a white coat. Talmid mounted a big, white stallion, patting it's shoulder before cantering out with the others. Once outside the castle walls again, they saw the truly depressing battle. The King's men actually outnumbered the Paradox, but they were falling fast, and the Paradox were quickly pushing towards the castle. Multiple medical tents were pitched nearby, with small carriages pulled by shaggy ponies whisking to and from the battle with the wounded. It was a grim sight. Lukas brought their thoughts back to the task at hand, saying, "Come! There art the men which we must leadeth!" He pointed to their right, indicating a large group of soldiers staring at them expectantly. Riding over, the Knights organized the whole group.
"Archers in back! Spearsmen in front!" Talmid yelled.
"All knights with mounts, make a separate group to the right! Near the forest!" Legoboy added.
Seton peered at the distant battle carefully. "We should come at them that way!" he called to the other Knights, pointing. Once everyone had found their respective places, Talmid explained what they were to do; and they began to march towards the battle. Legoboy overheard one of the spearsmen muttering sadly to another soldier, "I never thought I would see the day when we were attacked so horribly. There's no decency in war; yet people added rules to going out and smashing each other. But I'll fight- I'll do it for my wife. You've been a good friend..." Then, with renewed courage, "We'll live to meet again."
They were in range now. The whole company halted at the command of one of the Knights, and the archers notched their bows. "Fire!" The arrows sailed through the air, raining down on the Renegades. "Charge!!!" Sir Lukas and Sir Seton led the cavalry in a gallop, sweeping into the battle from the right. The other troops cheered, grateful for renforcements. The archers continued to fire until they had to stop, for fear of hitting their own. They drew their own swords, and charged with the spearsmen headfirst into the battle, led by Sir Talmid and Sir Legoboy.
The Knights came into the Kings throne room, bowing deeply before reporting. "Good King," Talmid said, taking off his helmet in respect, "the tides hath turned- the Paradox hath retreated to their siege camp. The battle is won!" King Matthias worried face broke into a smile. "Ah, good!! You four have done very well! I cannot thank you enough!" His face fell again. "But I'm told it was a costly battle. So many wounded or smashed... and the Paradox shall no doubt return again." He grew stern.
"I shall have to write to Duke Exeter about this outrage."
Chapter the Sixth — Sir Jonna
Written by Thingguy2.
Thingguy walked out of the Grand Hall and tried to find his way to the stables. It took a while, but he eventually did it. He walked up to the guard outside the stable door and showed him his Identification.
"Third stall to the right," said the guard, "I think, anyway."
Thingguy thanked the guard and walked through the door. He found Deadbeat (in the fourth stall to the left, as it happens) and opened up the stall door. The Black Horse looked up from its dinner and greeted Thingguy with a whinny.
'What took you so long?' asked Deadbeat.
"The king was less-than-willing to send me after his daughter alone," replied Thingguy.
'And that could stop you how?' asked Deadbeat.
"He's a king. And my present employer," said Thingguy, "I can't deal with him I usually deal with stubborn people like him."
'Why not?'
"Because he'd fire me and probably have me tried for treason if I just thumped him on the head," said Thingguy icily, "now are you going to help me find Lady Jonna or do I have to borrow a pack mule?"
'You could always go on foot,' said Deadbeat, 'help you work off that tummy you've been nursing lately.'
"Oh, ha, ha," said Thingguy, who's name was often mistaken for Thin-Guy for a reason, "now keep quiet. I'm the only one who can hear you, so the guard will think I'm crazy."
'He won't be too far off the mark," said Deadbeat, but he quieted all the same.
Thingguy rode Deadbeat past the guard and galloped off to the gate. He came to the drawbridge and the gatekeeper swaggered out of the gatehouse.
"I need your name, business, and approximate time of return," said the Gatekeeper.
Thingguy switched to official mode and drew his coat of arms out from under his tunic.
"The identity of the man which thou hath been acquainted with is that of Sir Thingguy II, one of the three founders of the Knights of Olde Speech," said Thingguy, "the business that brings me through thy gate is that I hath been fore sent to seek out the location of the Lady Jonna, and thereupon ferry said damsel back to present location. My returning would preferably be never, but the actual time of my return is, as yet, a mystery to all."
"Uh… right," said the Gatekeeper, "could you say that again? In English?"
"I'M SIR THINGGUY II! I'M GOING AFTER LADY JONNA! I DON'T KNOW!!" Thingguy huffed. He was tired of the deplorable vocabulary of the guards here.
"Okay," said the Guard, "off you pop."
Thingguy glared at the guard one last time and then spurred Deadbeat to his (rather impressive) full speed.
'You handled that well,' said Deadbeat.
"Huh?" asked Thingguy in confusion, his thoughts clouded with the effort of matching stride with Deadbeat.
'He wasn't a King or an employer, and you didn't thump him.'
"Oh, right," said Thingguy, "well as long as he's employed by the same man as I, I should at least be patient towards him."
'That wasn't in the job description,' said Deadbeat with some disappointment, 'I enjoy watching you lose your temper.'
"Thanks," said Thingguy, "but I'll keep my temper with them all the same."
'Like you did with the Gatekeeper?'
"You just said I handled that well!"
'Sarcasm. It happens to be a language I'm proficient in.'
"No. If you were proficient, people would know when you were using it, and when you weren't."
'Not necessarily,' said Deadbeat, 'but don't argue any further, we're coming into the Lost Void: the forest that borders the Lost Plains, and that is where Lady Jonna was reported seen.'
"So?" asked Thingguy.
'So we should keep our concentration on the mission,' said Deadbeat, 'and to add to that I know I'm right, so there's no point in pursuing the subject.'
"Fine," said Thingguy, and they rode in silence.
Soon enough, they came to the vast forest called the Lost Void. The trees were enormous and the underbrush was thick and tangled. The tales said that is was called the Lost Void because no one could find their way out if they went in. Thingguy didn't believe it, but he could tell that it would be difficult to navigate through there. But if Lady Jonna could do it, so could he.
"I guess I'll walk ahead and clear the way with my sword," said Thingguy, "those branches have rather sharp-looking thorns and I don't want them to cut those tendons of yours."
'Suit yourself,' said Deadbeat.
Thingguy dismounted Deadbeat and drew his sword from his scabbard. He approached the tangled thorns and branches and swung his sword at the brush. His sharp blade cut through the wooden obstacles and he led his horse through the forest, taking hacks and swings at the tangled brush they came across. After several slow hours of trekking through the woodland, minifigure and horse came out of the forest, scratched in a few places, but otherwise unscathed.
"That wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Thingguy.
'Speak for yourself,' said Deadbeat testily, ' I've got some nasty scratches across my rump.'
"Sunset's in three hours, and then you rest your poor, scratched rump," mocked Thingguy.
Deadbeat apparently couldn't come up with a witty retort to that, because he just snorted and walked away from the forest and towards the cliché-named Lost Plains.
Thingguy smiled to himself since he had finally won an argument against Deadbeat and walked after the horse.
The plains were vast and flat, with nothing but dead grass everywhere. Two hours passed and still Thingguy walked forward with Deadbeat, the grass getting higher with every thirty meters. The sun was getting low now, and since Thingguy was heading west, his shadow spread out far ahead of him. He lit a torch and continued walking. The sun was just disappearing behind him when he saw it: a horse and rider far ahead of him, just a speck in the distance. He took out his telescope and caught a glimpse of a lady on a white horse when the sun suddenly disappeared. Now Thingguy knew why it was called the Lost Plains. When the sun disappeared, nothing could give off light. An old curse that an ill-natured witch had cast upon the plains made it so that when night fell, no light could shine for more than a meter.
'Now can I rest my rump?' asked Deadbeat.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, go ahead," said Thingguy, distracted. He wasn't afraid of the dark like Talmid was or anything, he was just… fascinated. He couldn't help marveling at the way the air swallowed up the light from his torch.
Thingguy cleared away some grass from a spot on the ground and stuck the butt of the torch into the soft dirt. He then gathered a bunch of grasses and made them into a bed of grasses. It was quite comfortable. He turned on his side and watched the fire lick away at the torch. The last thing he saw before he fell asleep was the torch giving a bright burst and then going out.
Thingguy woke the next morning and found Deadbeat grazing on the dead grass that was surrounding them.
'Good morning,' said Deadbeat.
"Good morning," replied Thingguy, "how'd you sleep?"
'Okay,' said Deadbeat, 'but I've slept better.'
"Is there something wrong?" asked Thingguy. Deadbeat was not usually this mellow.
'This grass tastes terrible,' said Deadbeat, 'I miss my oats.'
"Oh, okay," said Thingguy. Food often was the cause if Deadbeat was in a bad mood, "Well, I saw Lady Jonna last night right before the sun set, so we should be able to catch her today, and then you can go home and have those lovely oats."
'Okay,' said Deadbeat, 'let's go.'
Deadbeat stopped grazing and lumbered off into the shoulder-high grass. Thingguy quickly grabbed a piece of pizza from his knapsack and hurried off after Deadbeat. He caught up to the horse and was just about to say something when he received a heavy blow in the small of his back.
Thingguy was sent tumbling forward and did a shoulder roll to break his momentum. He picked himself off the ground and saw a sharp blade swinging towards him. He ducked and then lashed out with his foot, catching his attacker in the shin and causing him to stumbled awkwardly away. Thingguy stood up again and drew his own sword, parrying the stroke that came hard at his skull. He twisted his sword so that the two crosspieces of the swords were locked together and got a look at his attacker. His attacker had long, dark hair, and was wearing a gown. It was Lady Jonna.
A white blur and a pair of hooves hitting his sword hard interrupted Thingguy's surprise. His sword was sent spinning away and Lady Jonna drew back her sword for a final blow. In desperation, Thingguy threw the only thing he had with him. The piece of pizza that was meant to be his breakfast.
As the pizza made contact with her skin, Lady Jonna screamed and recoiled in a fit of hysterics. She peeled the pizza of her face and used her sleeve to wipe off the sauce that remained. Thingguy quickly grabbed his sword and turned to face Lady Jonna. She had her sword in her hands too, and was rushing towards him. He sidestepped her attack and she was sent sprawling in the high grass. Her horse ran at Thingguy again, but this time Deadbeat leaped in front of the white horse and it made contact with the muscled side of the black horse.
Lady Jonna was up again and was now approaching Thingguy more slowly. She swung at him a couple of times, and now Thingguy realized that they were not the swings of an experienced swordsman (or, more rather, swordswoman), but the swings of someone who desperately wanted to be experienced, but had no past familiarity with the weapon.
Thingguy now lunged at Lady Jonna, and as he expected, she brought her sword up sideways instead of diagonal. The two swords met and Thingguy smiled and then yanked his sword upward, twisted around, flicked his wrist, and now faced a defenseless Lady Jonna.
"Who are you?" asked Lady Jonna.
"I art Sir Thingguy II," said Thingguy, "I was assigned to find thee and escort thee back to thy father, King Matthias."
"No!" said Lady Jonna, "No! I don't want to go back, I'm like a prisoner there!"
"Nonetheless, thou art going home," said Thingguy.
"I'm not going back!" she screamed, and drew a dagger from her belt. It was sent spinning away by another flick from Thingguy's sword. An idea occurred to Lady Jonna.
"You're pretty handy with that sword," said Lady Jonna.
"What?" asked Thingguy, surprised at the sudden change of subject.
"Could you teach me how to use a sword like that?" asked Lady Jonna.
Thingguy, being a sword teacher by trade, nodded.
"Why?" Thingguy asked.
"I promise to go back with you, if you teach me how to use a sword like you," said Lady Jonna.
"Why, so that thou can murder me in my sleep?" asked Thingguy, "and anyways, it would take great time to become a master."
"I don't want to be a master, I just want to be passable, enough to beat those guards who taunt me for wanting to be a knight," said Jonna, "and I want to talk like you, too. I know, make me a knight!"
"A monkey could beat those imbeciles called guards," muttered Thingguy, then in a louder voice, "the ability to talk like myself is not an ability able to be taught. Nay, it is a natural gift. And I couldn't make thee a knight!"
"Well, fine, forget the talking, I'll learn that myself," said Lady Jonna, "but why can't you make me a knight?"
"Thou art a girl!"
"Make me a dame, then," said Jonna, "just teach me how to use a sword!"
"Never!"
"Then I'm not coming back with you."
Thingguy thought about it for a moment. What could it hurt? She wouldn't hurt her own guards, would she? And the king would be happy to know that his daughter could defend herself!
"Okay, fine," he said, "I'll teach you to use a sword if you promise to not be any trouble."
"I promise," said Lady Jonna, "and why'd you stop talking like you were from old England?"
"I only do that on official conversations or orders," said Thingguy, "we're pretty lax about that nowadays, as when we started this order, if we were to slip out of old talk we'd implore forgiveness for our treason."
"I see," said Lady Jonna.
"Now," said Thingguy, "I'm going to have some breakfast."
He reached into his knapsack again and drew out another piece of pizza. At the sight of it Lady Jonna shrieked and stepped back a few paces.
"Oh for Pete's sake, it's only pizza!" said Thingguy in exasperation. He was NOT going to escort someone who hated pizza.
"PETE?" shrieked Lady Jonna, "Is he here? Where? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thingguy sighed and chased after the shrieking Lady Jonna, who was now running for her life through the tall grass.
Chapter VI
Written by Ninjago_Builders.
After Thingguy2 had finally caught up to Jonna and convinced her that she wouldn't be tortured to death by an invisible green and purple pizza, he began instructing her on how to hold a sword. "You start out with it in your hand like this." He held his sword slanting upward and out toward Jonna. Jonna copied his movements. "Good. Now Move your feet into this position so that you are stable when you attack. Now the basic attack like this," he demonstrated, "and then you can add onto that and come back from this side when your opponent tries to block the first swing" He continued and told her about other attacks. After a couple of hours of practicing the correct attacks, he showed her how to block attacks. "When an opponent attacks you can parry and move over here to go on the attack. Or," he changed his position again, "if you hold it from this side and give a small flick of your hand his weapon will slide off your angled sword, leaving their side open for an attack like this." He demonstrated. "Or…" Thingguy went on about different kinds of parries, and how to act after you have used them. When his list of 35 different kinds of defensive positions was over, he said, "And then there's the one that us Knights of the Old Speech use the most. I call it the Tree Tactic. The move is where you jump behind a tree." He jumped behind a nearby tree to show her how to do it. Then, he jumped back, his face white as a sheet of paper. Go pick up a piece of paper to see how white he was. "G-g-get bac-ck," stammered Thingguy to Jonna. "What's the matter?" she asked. "Is there anything wrong?" What was wrong was that an entirely round fish bowl was rolling forward on treads and a small guppy was at the controls, steering it. Then, at the top of the fishbowl, a hatch opened up and the fish stuck out its head. "Hey *Squeak* dude," he said in a high-pitched voice. "I'm *Squeak* Squeaky!" Thingguy nearly fainted. "It-t-t-t's a t-t-t-t-talk-k-k-king fish-h-h." "Yep!" it squeaked. Now Thingguy was a very brave knight, and never in all of his travels had he been afraid of something, but Squeaky was over the max his bravery abilities could hold. "R-r-run," He said shakily. "Oh don't worry, there's nothing wrong with Squeaky," Jonna reassured him. "He's my pet guppy." "Yep!" confirmed Squeaky. "Oh, um, nice to meat you," Thingguy said, holding out his hand to shake. Then he remembered that Squeaky was a fish and that he couldn't shake his hand." "Yep!" replied Squeaky." "Are you going to say something besides 'Yep!'?" said Thingguy. "Yep!" "Well than say it!" "Squeak!" Thingguy sighed in disbelief. Hey! I got that Tree Tactic move down!" Jonna exclaimed. The sun slowly sunk below the jagged edge of the horizon, and it started to grow dark. "Best we set up camp now," Thingguy advised. They pitched a tent for the night just as they were swallowed in blackness. Finally, after lying in his tent for some time, Thingguy drifted off into an uneasy sleep, his dreams full of talking sharks and evil guppies. He awoke to the first rays of sunlight seeping through his tent. He didn't want to get up; he just wanted to lie on his mattress a little more. He was sore from the previous days riding and felt too tired to move. Slowly, he forced himself out of bed and started getting breakfast. Best to eat all his pizza before Jonna woke up. He crammed it down his throat and savored the rich tomato sauce, the slightly spicy pepperoni, and a shriveled mushroom. Hmm, maybe he could live without the mushroom. He threw it back over his head where it plopped to the ground. After the sun had progressed a little farther across the sky, Jonna awoke. She rubbed her eyes sleepily before taking some hard-boiled eggs from out of her pack. She started pealing one, but then dropped it and jumped back in alarm almost exactly like Thingguy2 did when he saw squeaky. "Th-there it is," she said shakily. "What?" Thingguy inquired. "The traces P-P-Peter," she said, pointing to the mushroom that Thingguy had thrown over his head. "He must have been spying on us last night." She looked around, as if expecting Peter to come out and charge them any moment. Squeaky also looked apprehensive. He exclaimed in his high pitched voice, "Peter?! Ahh! Jonna told me how evil he is!" He dropped his voice to nearly a whisper. "And she said that he has dead anchovies! Agg!" He shuddered. Thingguy rolled his eyes up to the sky. The next few days were much like the first; sword practice, talking fish, and Peter. Mostly Peter, though. Still, they made headway on Jonna's sword skills, and soon Thingguy thought that she was good enough with a sword to be able to hold her own in a fight. As they went to saddle their horses, he remembered that he hadn't fed Deadbeat that day and that he would probably be very irritable. They walked up to their horses and started to saddle them. Jonna said, "I'm sorry, I was doing my sword practice today, I didn't have time." "Excuse me?" said Thingguy. "Oh, um, it might sound strange, but I can talk to my horse," Jonna replied. "Oh," said Thingguy. "See? I'm not crazy," Thingguy whispered in Deadbeat's ear. "Why would I think you're crazy?" Deadbeat inquired innocently. "Don't tell me you don't remember all the times that you said I must be crazy because I'm the only one who could talk to horses," replied Thingguy. "You know you said it." And to that, Deadbeat had no reply, other than, "I'm hungry." Thingguy smiled. Jonna, who had overheard Thingguy's whispered conversation with his horse came up to him and said, "You can talk to horses too? Now I have proof that I'm not crazy! My horse always said that I must be crazy because I was the only one who could talk to horses." "Really? What a surprise." They rode off, back to the woods, and Thingguy got off his horse to clear the way for them through the trees. Hopping off her horse, Jonna insisted that she be allowed to clear the way as well, and attacked the trees with her sword as if they were an enemy that needed to be chopped into firewood. Sometime after noon, they reached the end of the forest. Thingguy saw the battle at hand, and jumped off his horse to help. Talmid rode toward them, chased by seven other evil horsemen. Before Thingguy could react, however, a large missile rack unfolded from Squeaky's fish tank and fired a volley of heat seeking missiles after the enemy. All of the horsemen except one were blown into the air. The third horseman charged Jonna, but she sidestepped his horse and knocked him down to the ground. Talmid rode at him and he was soon smashed. "Finally, you're back," he said to Thingguy. "Let's go, we've got a battle to win."
Chapter VII
Written by Talmid.
As he was saying "We've got a battle to win.", Talmid had taken a slice of pizza from one of the numerous pockets that adorned the saddle of his brown stallion, and he had begun munching on it. Jonna's eyes bugged out at the sight of it, and when Talmid innocently asked, "Want some too?" and held out a piece to the Lady, she fell off her horse.
"Long story," Thingguy said quickly, and hopped off Deadbeat to help Jonna back onto Hwin. "I don't even know any of it."
Talmid shrugged. "Fine with me." he said, putting the spare pizza back in the pocket and finishing his own. "Sir Legoboy and I are on our way to meet with Sir Seton and Sir Lukas near the Fire Hills," he informed Sir Thingguy. The Fire Hills were really a long range of mountains near the edge of King Mathias's kingdom's North border, bordering two neighboring kingdoms. When a war was being waged, huge piles of wood were set aflame to signal for allied assistance. "Want to come?"
Thingguy was going to answer yes, but he saw Jonna still staring in a panic at the tomato sauce dribbling down Talmid's chin, putting nice red stains on his armored vest. "Uh, I think not, Sir," Thingguy stammered.
"Understood, Sir Thingguy." Talmid said with a nod, and glanced at Sir Lukas who was leading a battalion of King Mathias's riders towards The Ghost Passages, which were the fastest route to The Fire Hills. "I'll be going now, good luck Thingguy, Jonna!" he called as he nudged his knees into his stallion's side. With a whinny, the horse took off, and Thingguy thought he could hear Talmid saying, "Hey, that's not even enough force to hurt a fly! You're being a nuisance, Ace."
Thingguy shrugged, and slowly turned Deadbeat to face the main road that would take them back to the castle. Strangely without a protest of any kind, Deadbeat began trotting along the road, when Thingguy felt Jonna's hand on his shoulder.
"I can feel him," she whispered, looking around wildly.
"Who-?" Thingguy asked, startled, but then came to his senses. "You mean Peter the-"
"Shhhh!" Jonna clamped a hand over his mouth. "We shouldn't mention his name, or he'll find us!" she squeaked. "The main road lacks decent coverage to protect us from him."
With an exasperated sigh, Thingguy proclaimed, "Peter the Pizza is fake."
Jonna glared at him, and headed Hwin in the direction of a sideroad which lead into the "Void Minor", a less dense part of the "Lost Void" which stretched on until a small town near the castle.
Realizing he wouldn't be able to change her mind, Thingguy pointed Deadbeat away from a bush he was eating from after Jonna and Hwin. Irritated, Deadbeat whined, "I'm hungry."
"I'll give you more oats than you can ever imagine if you just do what I say for once," Thingguy seethed.
"Well I can imagine quiet a bit." Deadbeat countered.
"You'll get it," Thingguy grumbled.
"I'd better." Deadbeat replied.
"You will." Thingguy added with some hesitation, "I promise."
"You broke all of the last five promises you made to me." Deadbeat muttered, but before Thingguy could talk back, the horse lumbered away from his bushes after Jonna, who had already went pretty far into the shadows of the Void Minor. Apparently the prospect of food was too much for Deadbeat to put up much of a fight. With a smirk, Thingguy leaned back, and closed his eyes. Deadbeat may be annoying at times, but Thingguy trusted him to follow Jonna and Hwin wherever they went, as long as he was blinded by millions and millions of imaginary oats.
A growling sound awoke Thingguy from his very bumpy and uncomfortable nap. It was so uncomfortable that there was a possibility Thingguy wasn't even asleep, but he got some rest nonetheless. "Is that you Deadbeat?" he mumbled, as the growling noise reached his ears again. "Always thinking of your stomach."
"It's not me," Deadbeat said defensively.
Thingguy sat up straight on his saddle, and looked ahead. There was no sign of Jonna or Hwin, and Thingguy's heart began beating rapidly in a growing panic. Then he realized it was nighttime, thus very dark that he couldn't see anything more than five feet ahead of him, and the sound of hooves clomping on the ground more than five feet ahead of him assured the knight that Jonna was still ahead.
Thingguy took a deep breath, and was about to go back to sleep when he heard the growling again. He looked down at his stomach, and Deadbeat muttered, "It's you."
"Not me!" Thingguy cried. "I'm not even hungry."
The growling intensified, and the hairs on the back of Thingguy's neck rose. His ears twitched, and as the noise grew louder, he discerned it was coming from behind.
And above.
He barely had enough time to draw his sword and whirl around before out of the dark came a massive, purple form. A green tummy, and green spots adorned its sides, but that was all Thingguy saw before a large tail struck his face and knocked him clean off Deadbeat and onto the hard road. His head banged against a rock, and the last thing Thingguy was aware of was Jonna screaming and a horrendous, obnoxious, laugh coming from the thing that hit him.
And then it spoke, "Hohoho, oh boy oh boy! This is super deeeeeeeee duper! Prepare to die!" before the unconscious form of Deadbeat collapsed down on Sir Thingguy, knocking him out as well.
Chapter IX
Written by JohnNC.
Thingguy stirred and began to regain consciousness. He was sitting, tied to a chair in a room with a lamp suspended from the ceiling. Next to him was Lady Jonna, also tied to a chair. He looked around the room and saw a door at the far end. It opened, and in stepped a figure dressed in black with a mask covering its face. It brandished a sword as it strode forward.
"wel i see thet yu ar awak!" it said.
"Who are you?" Thingguy asked.
"shut op u stupit nite! I wil asck the kwestchins!" the figure yelled.
"naoow," it went on, "u wont tu nowe hoo i am, wel i am ur bigist inimee, thedude!" the figure yelled.
Thingguy was not very impressed, and Lady Jonna tried not to smirk. "u sea this?" thedude asked, holding up the sword, "this iz mah gramer sord, und iff u dount anser mah kwestchins, i wil hit u wit it!" Thingguy and Jonna looked at each other and stared at thedude. "i wont tu nowe wat ur plans ar!" thedude demanded. But before Thingguy could answer, a soft knocking sound came from the door. "hoo iz ther?" thedude asked, annoyed. The door opened, and in walked a purple dinosaur. thedude rolled his eyes. "Hi boss!" the dinosaur said, "I think that we need a playground with swings and a seesaw. Hoo hoo hoo! Then this secret base of yours will be fun!" thedude gawked in disbelief. "u dum sidkik! git aowt and leev me aloun wit mah prisinors!" thedude screamed. The dinosaur hung his head and left the room.
"naoow," thedude said calmly, "tel me ur plans ore elss!"
Again a soft knock on the door was heard. thedude mumbled something and said, "com in!" The door opened and the dinosaur stuck its head in, "Could we have a sandbox?"
"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" thedude screamed. The dinosaur abruptly shut the door. "stupit sidkik." thedude said angrily, as he turned and faced the prisoners. "naoow tel me ur plans!" he said. But before either of them could answer, a loud rapping sound came from the door. thedude snarled and walked up to it, then flung it open. A pizza delivery guy stood on the step holding a box. "This thedude's place?" he asked. thedude nodded. "I got a double pepperoni pizza here," the delivery guy said. Jonna's face turned white, and she muttered something about Peter following her. "go giv it tu mah sidkik, hes nam is barny." thedude said.
The delivery guy left, and thedude shut the door. But before he had let go of the handle, someone tapped on the door. thedude opened the door angrily and was immediately knocked down, hitting his head on the stone floor and losing consciousness. A fish bowl on treads sped into the room and deployed a mechanical arm with a saw. "Squeaky!" Thingguy and Lady Jonna said at once. "At your service!" the guppy squeaked as he began to saw through the ropes binding them. Once they were free, Squeaky led them out of the room into a courtyard surrounded by walls. He led them to a thatched stable where they found Hwin and Deadbeat. The horses whinnied when they saw them. Thingguy mounted Deadbeat and turned to Squeaky, "You know the way out, so you lead us."
Squeaky led them to a gate. It was open, and there were no guards. "Where are the guards?" Thingguy asked Squeaky. But Squeaky did not answer, for at that moment a voice yelled behind them, "Boss! Boss! Your prisoners are escaping!" It was thedude's sidekick, or Barney. Jonna and Thingguy spurred their horses to a gallop and sped through the gate, leaving Barney yelling his head off behind them.
Chapter X-That Annoying Rookie
Written by Jackietimmins.
Thingguy just got up after Barney had just knocked him down. But then some random minifigure that was screaming ran over him. Then he blacked out.
When Thingguy woke up he looked around. Everything was normal accept for the strange lack of Deadbeat and Barney and Jonna.
"How could you let them get away with my daughter?!!!!" King Matthias shouted at Thingguy.
"Some strange screaming knight knocked me out cold." ? Thingguy responded
"Well, why don't you find that knight ad bring him here so I can throw him in the dungeon!" Matthias yelled at Thingguy with a stern voice.
"Okay." Thingguy replied
Knight's Kingdom was very large, but Thingguy knew he could find the knight that ran on him. He had remembered that the knight had glasses on, and had a circular birthmark on his heel. And obviously,he was a he. The knight could be anywhere but Thingguy knew that he would find him.
First he checked the armory stores, to see if the knight was buying new gear. Next he checked every house in the village. Most of the people attacked him for invading their lunch. After hours of searching he gave up,just to find the minifig right in front of him.
"Hey you! What is your name?" Thingguy shouted at the minifigure.
"Tell me your name first." The minifig answered.
"Sir Thingguy II!" Thingguy replied
"Oh it is a great honor to meet the head of the knights of the old speech. Can i join?" The minifigure replied. "Anyways, I am Jamt2."
"Okay, you can join. just don't let the king know you were the minifigure that ran on me." Thingguy replied.
"I ran on you? I'm sorry."Jamt2 said.
"To become a knight of the old speech, you first have to speak the old speech." Talmid told Jamt2.
"Good day out there, eh?"Jamt2 spoke.
"Canadian." Seton replied.
"Dat it nine goodenstien." Jamt2 spoke.
"German.and bad at it too!" JohnNC said.
".kayak wen a yuB"Jamt2 said.
"Reverse sentence." Talmid responded.
"Here ye here ye!"Jamt2 said.
"You passed the test!" Thingguy said.
"nise dat u pasd dat test ,but can u pas dis test?" Thedude said right before the ground below the knights of the old speech collapsed.
Chapter 12 (RIGHT?)
Written by Talmid.
Speeding into the early morning light nearly blinded Sir Thingguy II, but it gave him comfort to know they hadn't spent too long in thedude's hideout. Or had they remained unconscious for a full day and it was already two days from when they were captured? Or more?
Trying to calculate the date gave the knight a headache, so he tried to get his attention off it and more to his escape. "Faster, Deadbeat. Faster!" he urged, as the sound of gunfire and purple clouds erupting from the road to his sides confirmed their captors were in pursuit.
Jonna and Hwin sped off ahead, with Squeaky's surprisingly overpowered tank keeping pace.
It only occurred to Thingguy a few seconds too late why he was so far behind his companions, and why the gap between his pursuers was getting smaller. Deadbeat had come to a full stop, and was eagerly munching on a bush.
"DEADBEAT!!" Thingguy roared, barely able to control himself from flinging his full weight against his steed, which he actually already was since he was seated on him.
"I'm hungry." Deadbeat whined, his alleged hunger making him oblivious to the source of the purple gunfire as it stepped over, and then put the barrel of its weapon against Thingguy's head.
Thingguy's headache came back to life as he felt the cold metal against his temple. He strained his eyes to see the armored warrior to his right side. Deadbeat had stopped munching, and only now seemed to have realized the trouble he had gotten them into.
"You have evaded the bosses and their fails of guards, pathetic knight." the dark knight said coolly. "But you wont stop me."
He pulled the trigger, and proceeded to curse as he threw the weapon out of his sight. Apparently this mysterious minion of antigrammar was as foolish as his bosses to have forgotten to cock his weapon before pulling the trigger.
A sword was instantly at his neck, and the warrior stated, "Prepare to die."
Looking down at the blade, Thingguy read the words inscribed into it. "Lord V" they spelled.
Thingguy paled, not just because of the blade to his throat, but because he came to the horrible realization. He was about to become the next victim of now no longer very mysterious dark knight, known for his cruelty, evilness, cunningness, slyness, and all around being the worst bad guy ever to plague the universe.
It was Lord Vladek.
Chapter 13, DOOM!
Written by Ninja_of_Lava. When Thingguy awoke, the first thing he found was that he was in a large, dark red dungeon. The second thing he found was a blazing pain in his head, shoulders, and midriff. He looked down. He was covered in blood. The wounds on his body were still open, thus the pain. He looked around and saw that Jonna, Talmid, Squeaky, and shared the cell with him. Everyone except him was asleep. He decided that he would take advantage of Jonna's sleep and eat some lunch, AKA: pizza. He felt his pockets and then he groaned. All his pizza had been stripped from him. He decided to go back to sleep so he could forget his hunger. Just as he fell asleep on the mildew infested ground, he was rudely awakened by a guard. "Hey you, wake up, you're going to meet your doom in five minutes. Go wake your friends up." The guard said. Thingguy got up painfully and looked around. A platter of food had been left there for them to eat. Thingguy went over and took some healing cherries off the plate. After that, he felt ready to take on anything. He would soon eat his words, err, his thoughts, once he was finished eating his cherries and faced the unnatural tortures that awaited him. As Thingguy woke up his friends, the guard came back. "YOUR DOOM AWAITS!!! Come with me." Four dark knights came in and brought them into a room. Inside, Vladek and TheDude were both doing evil laughs. "Mhuhahahahahahahahahah" "MuhAhAhAhAhAhAhA! "Uh, excuse me, but why are you both doing evil laughs?" Talmid asked. The Dude's answer was not pleasant. "Wii hav finilee agredd on wat yor doom wil bee!" Vladek opened a door and the guards pushed them into a room occupied by Barney and a rock band. "Your first torture," Vladek announce, "you shall be FORCED TO LISTEN TO AN OPERA SONG COMPOSED BY…BARNEY THE DINOSAURE!!!!!!" Immediately, all of the heroes groaned from despair. The band started to play. "Boo boo shee booboo boobooboo shee…" Then Barney started to sing. It sounded like the death cry of a sick donkey. He started to sing his theme song in opera to a rap tune. Just one word can describe this agony; horrific. Squeaky gurgled and fell to the bottom of his deactivated fish tank. After the six and a half hour song had ended, Vladek, the dude and some guards took them into an arena. On the bleachers were thousands of rough paradox and thousands of dark knights. Vladek, TheDude, and the other guards went up some stairs up onto the bleachers. They were thrown through a large door out into the arena. Jonna squinted after leaving the darkness and appearing in such bright light. At the other end of the arena, a large purple mass appeared in an archway. "Your opera/rap song may have fried my brains to a crisp, Barney," Tamid called out, "but you do not have the skill to face me and my comrades face to face!" The crowd laughed at him. "What?!?!" he yelled to the crowd. "You're ruining my dramatic moment! I was about to say how Barney was no match for us and you HAVE to ruin the epicness by laughing! What's wrong with you?!?!" "Come on, Talmid, just ignore them," Thingguy reasoned. "Let's just defeat Barney and get out of here, right Lady Jonna? Jonna?" He said. He turned around. "Jonna, what's wrong? You look as if you've seen Godzilla." Jonna screamed, and fainted. Then Squeaky squeaked extra loud, and fainted. Thingguy looked again at his opponent and saw that it was not quite Barney. "I think I can tell what it is," said Talmid, squinting. "It's a bird. No, it's a plane. Wait, it's a…what is that?" Thingguy groaned. "Peter the Pizza."
Chapter 13 ½: Barney unleashed!
Written by Ninjago_Builders.
"While we wait for your doom, which ironically will be done in just the time it takes to write the chapter of a story," Barney explained, "I shall keep you entertained." The heroes all gulped at the same time. "Now, if anyone gets these question wrong they will face extreme torture. My first question is…Why did the chicken cross the road?!?!"
"Um…to get to the other side?" Jonna suggested.
"NO!" Barney roared. "TO GET TO THE TV ACROSS THE STREET SO HE COULD WATCH MY TV SHOW!"
"Oh, yeah, I knew that. I was just testing you."
"Arr, next question: What did the chicken do before he crossed the road?"
"Um, what?" asked Thingguy.
"HE LOOKED BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS LEARNED ANYTHING FROM MY TV SHOW?!?!"
"Um, never watched it." Talmid told him.
"You've never what?!?! Well, you shall now learn the true meaning of BARNEY!"
And Barney chained them in front of a TV and forced them to watch his show until the horrors that awaited them were ready.
~*Chapter 14 (I think)*~
Written by Samlooploop.
Jonna sighed. Of all the things she expected when she ran away, being pig-tied in a triangle with two "Knights of the Olde Speech" (Whatever that was), who were (supposed to be) saving her (since she had run away and no one knew where she went) and her father's country (which was apparently under attack from what she heard), was not on the list of things she had expected. All she had wanted was to show everyone at the castle she was NOT a delicate teacup and saucer that needed to be locked up stitching and knitting her life away! At least now she could use a sword- somewhat. After fainting in the arena, she had woken up to Talmid telling her something about it not being Peter the Pizza (yeah right). But then Peter had come back, this time upside down- so she fainted again. When she woke up the second time it was one of those rouge Paradox lugging the three of them off by orders of thedude. He or she had brought them here-a small, cold room, barren of any furniture or lights. Now they were stuck with the lunatic in there. A distorted voice yanked her attention back to the present.
"wel, i desided tat puting ewe al in tha areena was not furthring mah cose. me an mah asistant barny hav desided too colekt inpho on our enimies thruh yahs, HAHAHAHHAH!!!!" jeered thedude, leaning over them threateningly. Barney, who had just managed to wiggle out of the upside-down pizza suit bobbed his head helpfully in agreement. "Yup!" Thedude crossed his arms and continued, "so- wets start wif hoo you al ar!" Here he paused, contimplating for a moment. "say barny, doo whee now hoo thay ar?" Barney shook his head. "Nope!" "hah! just as i suspekted...." he bent over to look Talmid in the eye, "hoo ar yahs?!"
Talmid wrinkled his nose in response. "Thou art in dire need of a mint."
"was tat an in-sult?!" thedude roared, then stopped suddenly. "barny, do you now wat langwage hes speeking?"
"Nope boss, I thought you would."
"wat?! you ar tha on whith tha edicasonal shoh!!"
"Well, boss, no need to get frusterated. We can all be patient here, can't we? I don't cover other languages, but it sounded chinese. But why don't you just as them nicely, instead of being so rude? We should all just be frien-"
"O BEE QWIAT! i wil handl dis. i asc agan, hoo ar yahs?"
Thingguy tried to turn his head around to see what was going on, but despite his limited vision, decided to answer anyways. "We art two founders of the Knights of the Olde Speech, and Lady Jonna of the house of Mathias accomponies us. Release us, ye of foul grammar!"
Thedude paused, squinting. "uh.... gett me da trans-waiter. wait! weres tha fish?!"
Barney shrugged, "It's wrong to keep it from its natural home, so I let it go. We should all be kind to nature, and never take a animal from the wil-"
"O noes!" gasped thedude, "wat hav you don?! Grrrr. alwite, hoos fish was it?" he turned on the three captives savagely. None of them spoke up. "hmmmm... it ws probabwhee a wild fish. beesids, wat can an fish doo too stop mah?!? Im da mastr of da red mithrens!!!"- Talmid's eyebrows raised a little here- "i comand dem and soon, da wowrld wif it!!! HAHAHAHA.... now.... dis time, anser mee: hoo ar-"
Fortunately, before he could finish the sentence, one of the renegade Paradox stepped in. "You called, master?" he said in smooth, even tones. Thedude turned around impatiently.
"wel finealy. tooc you wong enuf. wat langwige ar dey speeking, trans-waiter?" he said in his strange, disorderly voice.
"They seem to be mute, my lord."
Thedude groaned. "den get da remote and turn of mute!"
This time the translator groaned. "Were they speaking before, my lord?"
"Yesh! why elsh wood i cal yous?!"
The translator started to speak, then checked himself. "Of course, my lord. My mistake," he crooned. Turning to the three captives, he questioned, "Who are you?"
Talmid and Thingguy could both get a fairly good view of him, but Jonna was facing the opposite direction. "I can't see!" she complained, twisting her head in all possible directions. Behind her she heard Thingguy sigh and answer, "As I hath clearly stated beforehand to thy supposed 'lord', we art two founders of the Knights of the Olde Speech, and Lady Jonna of the house of Mathias accompanies us. We- well, tis would truely be a lie to say we hath no quarrel with ye. Nonetheless, we beseech ye to release our persons!"
The translator nodded, taking it all in very intently. "I see," he said slowly, "I will have to think this over. It's a rare tongue, and I never have mastered it... something about donuts?"
Barney sighed dreamily. "Hmmm, donuts..."
"I shall have to think this over and look up a few words in my books," the rouge continued, "It may take a few hours. If you'll excuse me, my lords." With this, he bowed to thedude and barney respectfully and swept out of the room muttering to himself. "Playing cards with whales? No, maybe they want to square dance? Square dancing with whales and feasting on donuts?"
Another of the Paradox rouges stuck its head in suddenly, announcing in a grand voice, "DINNER- is served!" The head disappeared as quickly as it came. Barney happily bounced out, entranced with visions of donuts. (Of course, not too many. That would be unhealthy and ruin his big dinosaur teeth.) Thedude growled impatiently- or perhaps it was his stomach.
"o, i wil bee bak four yahs latter." He started to leave.
"Wait!" Jonna said, "What about us? I'm hungry, and thirsty."
Thedude growled again, only this time it wasn't his stomach for sure. "you wil al get foood latter. now bee qwiat! hmm, ware DID Vladek go?" He stormed out, slamming the door behind him.
Talmid frowned. "What was that he said about 'Red Mythrans'?"
Supposedly Chapter 15
Written by Talmid.
"Later" didn't take very long, because within ten minutes the two Knights of the Olde Speech and Lady Jonna were eating - no, that would be an understatement surprisingly - FEASTING on the food that a renegade Paradox guy, wearing a name-tag with the name "Walter" written on it, brought them. It consisted of a few glazed donuts, one pizza pie with no toppings at all (including cheese) leaving only tomato sauce, and two bags of gummy worms. They were feasting because they were famished, starving from their being captured and having to go through the arena, Barney, thedude's bad grammar (and lack of mint), and the interrogation.
Walter the Helmeted Bad Guy left without saying a word, leaving the three prisoners of thedude and the mysterious Red Mythrans to themselves.
Chewing thoughtfully on his tomato sauce on a triangle, Talmid brought back his question from earlier which had gone ignored due to his partners' lack of energy. "Who and what are these 'Red Mythrans'?"
At that moment a bag of gummy worms exploded in Thingguy's hands, sending long stretchy and sticky things all over the place. The distraction was enough to send Talmid's question back into the realms of the forgotten. Rolling his eyes, Talmid tried again. "What did he say about 'Red Mythrans'?"
Thingguy's eyebrows twitched. "'Red Mythrans'-?" he started.
Suddenly the door was knocked open, and Walter the Helmeted Bad Guy stepped in. Silently, he retrieved the glazed donuts and left as suddenly as he had arrived. Exchanging glances, Jonna and Thingguy had only one word in their thoughts. "Barney".
Talmid was thinking of how irritated and annoyed he was. He growled, "Can someone enlighten me what the 'Red Mythrans' Lord Dude spoke of-"
And then, through the tiny barred hole in the wall near the stone ceiling of their prison, the messenger pigeon flew in, a rolled up paper tied securely to its leg.
"The messenger pigeon!" Jonna yelped, scrambling towards it to retrieve the note. The courier of King Mathias apparently didn't like being lunged at by a princess-turned-knight, and flew around the room, cooing and making it's pigeon trills.
"I've gotten it!" Thingguy said with a grin, leaping up into the air and just missing the messenger pigeon's form, instead only closing his hand around its tail. As gravity set back into work and he fell down, the pigeon went down with him, and they both hit the ground.
The note tumbled out, and Talmid quickly grabbed it. "CAN WE PLEASE SPEAK OF THE RED MYTHRANS NOW?!" he roared.
His outburst made Jonna and Thingguy jump, causing the latter to release the messenger pigeon, which immediately flew up to a perch and began cleaning its wings.
"All in good time, Sir Talmid." Thingguy assured him. "Let's investigate the message."
Grumbling under his breath, Talmid handed the note to Sir Thingguy. "Tis a message from Sir Luke!" he gasped.
Jonna peered over his shoulder and read.
"'At the moment I am sending this, Sir Seton and I are on our way to find and rescue thou with the army of the King. With my skills and leadership, King Mathias's army has managed to push back the rogue renegade Paradox into the forest.
We have also captured a mysterious talking guppy, who insists to be on your side. I don't believe him, and have his strange fish tank contraption caged.
I trust this message will find you!
Sir Luke'"
Talmid paced around the room while Jonna read Sir Luke's message aloud. When she finished, he stated, "Do thou recall how easily we fell into Lord thedude's hands? We mustn't let Sir Luke be captured as well!"
"But he has the whole of my father's army with him, he can't be beaten so easily." Jonna said uncertainly. "Sir Luke said so himself how they got the rogues to retreat."
"But that was with his leadership," Sir Talmid groaned. "Alas, if thedude captures Luke, then the army is lost. Tis for sooth!"
Thingguy began crying, and Talmid hastily found a piece of charcoal that was lying in the crumbled remains of a fireplace. He took the paper and began writing on the other side, before tying it back to the messenger pigeon and sending it away.
"What did you write?" Lady Jonna asked.
"Our reply," Talmid said. "I've rethought what you said, and realized the army is underskilled against thedude's forces. But if Luke had more skilled warriors with him, then he has a much better chance!"
Jonna's face lit with recognition. "You mean more Knights?"
Thingguy instantly stopped crying, and knocked down Talmid in his fit of victory. "YES!!! THAT'S IT!! THOU ART A HERO SIR TALMID!"
Not one of them had a thought of how Squeaky the Guppy was faring as Sir Luke's prisoner.
Chapter the Next
Written by Agentsky1022.
Sir Luke was very distressed. He had received a letter from his good friend and fellow knight, Talmid. Apparently, he and Thingguy and the Princess were captured by an enemy known as Thedude. The letter advised him to hire more knights. But right now, he had other things to worry about...
"I already told you before, I'm Jonna's friend, if you let me go I can show you where Talmid and Thingguy are!" Sir Luke sighed. "I'm sorry fellow, but I can't let you go until we have proof that you're on our side. After all, you sneaked into the castle, AND you were seen by the royal treasury. It looks awfully suspicious. Until we get a reply from Talmid proving that you are on our side, you have to stay here." Sir Luke was getting annoyed with this fishy fellow. But he had other things to deal with. 'I have to find some more knights' he thought. He was awesome, but even awesome people need some help. So he hung up a sign that said "Knights wanted! Talk to Sir Luke to sign up to be a Knight!". Knights... "Uh-oh" said Sir Luke. The Paradox renegades were attacking again. This would be a big fight...
The fight was over. King Matthias lost many men. But more Knights were signing up. Luke looked at the list of names.
-Sir Sharp -Ninjago_Builders -Ninja_of_Lava -Agentsky1022
Sir Luke sighed. He would have to wait till they got more Knights to save Thingguy and Talmid. Oh, and Jonna. But he would get more Knights- in the next chapter...
The Chapter that came after the last one (chronologically speaking)
Written by Thingguy2.
Squeaky was upset. He had been in this cage for an entire two minutes now, and the battery on his fish tank was beginning to die. Of course, it's been about seven years since his last battery change, so the battery did have right to go on strike, but that didn't keep Squeaky from being upset.
He was just about begin doing the classic "grab the bars of your cell and try to twist them loose even though that only works 0.1% of the time" trick, when King Matthias walked in, having taken a wrong turn to the library.
King Matthias saw Squeaky in his cage, two mechanical arms attached to his fish bowl holding the bars, and threw himself at the guppy.
"You're my daughter's pet guppy, aren't you?" asked King Matthias
"Yeah, why?" asked Squeaky.
"Where's my daughter?" asked King Matthias.
"No idea," said Squeaky, "but the numb-skull who locked me up in here assured me that he'd find them, and anyone with that much awesomeness has got to be able to find them."
"Well, here, let me let you out of there," said King Matthias, and with a Star Wars-Style Transition we switch to the next scene.
Sir Lukas rode through the woods that led to village. Behind him, his very first knight recruit, Sir Seton, rode in pace with him, looking at all the surrounding trees. He saw a tree he really liked. He fainted.
One of King Matthias's men who was riding with them helped the revived Sir Seton back onto his horse, and the party continued riding. They were on their way to the village of Skate to find more knights, having realized the need to do so after Talmid's letter via Messenger Pigeon.
They were almost at the village of Skate when Lukas got a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Turning his head back they came (he's LEGO, he can do that), he saw a most petrifying sight.
Hundreds, maybe thousands of monkeys were closing in upon them, holding crude-looking weapons made out of bananas. Sir Lukas gave a battle cry to alert everyone to the monkeys' presence, and charged, calling for Seton to do so as well. Seton fainted.
The monkeys fell upon the party, stabbing and hacking with their banana weapons, giving loud screeches. One of King Matthias's men took a banana to the face and got a broken nose. The knight retaliated with his sword and then monkey lost his nose.
Seton had been revived by now and was hacking away at the monkeys that pressed in around him. He was doing really well, too, until the monkeys made him think of Thingguy, and in extension Talmid, and he fainted in admiration.
Lukas was doing awesome. His awesome sword of awesomeness was cutting through the monkeys' weapons and leaving them unarmed. The battle was almost won, when suddenly a monkey archer shot a banana arrow at Lukas's knee. The shot was true.
Giving a cry of pain, Lukas fell to ground, clutching his knee.
"I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee," Lukas said sadly. When he saw both his men and monkeys exchanging looks of puzzlement, he yelled, "It's a video game line that became extremely popular for no known reason!!!! Don't you guys know anything?"
No one did understand, but while the monkeys were scratching their heads, Lukas stood up, ran over to Seton, revived him, and ordered everyone who still had a horse (most had run away in the battle) to ride, and people who didn't to use their roller-skates.
Later that night, the monkey king realized that bananas should be left as food, and not used as weapons, being rather ineffectual.
thedude slammed his fist on the table in rage.
"what you mean you no find them." Hollered thedude, "me want them foundified."
"But, sir," said Barney in-between donuts, "we've used everything we have, and still can't find the other knight. And the translator told us they were on 'official business.'"
"no." said thedude, "we no use everything. we have yet to use elmo."
"Do you want me to go get him, boss?" asked Barney, finishing off the donuts.
"yes." Said thedude, "bring here him."
In a few seconds, the dark hunter Elmo was kneeling in front of thedude.
"La, la, la, la, Elmo's here!" sang Elmo proudly, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Elmo's here! You called me, master! That's why I'm here! That's… Elmo's world!"
Enjoying all things obnoxious, thedude cackled and gave Elmo his dark instructions. And with a Star Trek-style fade to black with doom-impending music, we go the next chapter...
Chapter #Something-or-other
Written by EthanWS.
Elmo whispered to his minions Mr. Noodle, Dorothy, and Mr. Noodle's brother; Mr. Noodle.
"Dorothy, I want you to take care of their fishy. Mr. Noodle and Mr. Noodle's brother; Mr. Noodle, show them how to swim. I'll sneak up on them from behind."
Bubbles came from the goldfish's mouth, signifying agreement. The Noodle brothers nodded maniacally.
That night, after setting up camp and making sure the monkeys were gone, Lukas collapsed in the middle of the campsite. (You know, if I was mean I would call this the end of the chapter. Thus giving you a tiny chapter with a huge cliffhanger. But I'm not tehdud. ) As Luke slept, everyone else, except Squeaky, dropped off to sleep.
A bush started shaking. And out of it came a red, furry hand pushing a fish tank, inside was a normal looking goldfish.
Squeaky simply yawned and rolled the fish tank down a nearby hill and into a convenient nearby lake. He looked down and saw two dark shapes, tripping over each other while setting up a lifeguard's chair and enclosed swimming area in water about 6 inches deep.
Squeaky was tired after a long day of talking, and thought nothing of it. He settled down to go to sleep.
Just as he dropped off, a loud, obnoxious toy piano sound started. Accompanying the piano was one word, repeated over and over.
"Sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep!"
The horrible singing was washed down by high pitched, weirdish laughter.
"Hahahahaha!"
As I'm sure we've all guessed by now, it was the Dark Hunter, Elmo.
Everybody was awake by now, and a monstrous form made its way out of the forest. A shaggy, red form with an orange ball for a nose came out of the forest. Arms outstretched and razor-sharp crayons in its hands, Elmo was a terrible sight to behold.
Lightning flashed behind the monster, illuminating it's face for a split second. His eyes held a reddish glow for a few seconds after the lightning.
Then a lightning bolt struck the crayon out of Elmo's left hand.
Out of the trees came another figure, this one in bright green and dark grey, with glowing blue spikes on top of its helmet.
The figure raised its hand, blue, arcing electricity illuminating it's face.
"Have at thee, foul monster. For I hath tracked thee from thy hiding spot to thy master's compound, and on to attack these innocents." The minifigure paused to look over the group of "innocents", seeing Lukas, his eyes widened.
"Behold, I hath tracked both of thee. The noble Knights of the Olde Speech and this foul Dark Hunter!"
With this Matthias's men were up and off to one side, trying to buckle their armor on. Two dark figures tackled them and pushed them down the nearby hill where they rolled into a 6" deep swimming area. The Noodle brothers took their seats on the lifeguard stands and started blowing loud whistles at the struggling soldiers.
Lukas and Seton stirred, for though they were heavy sleepers, whistles sometimes wake people up.
Sharpie Thunderflare, for that was the electric minifigure's name, drew a daredevil flaregun and a blue force blade, and started attacking Elmo with electric shocks and burning flares. Just then Squeaky woke up and headed down the hill to engage Mr. Noodle.
The Dark Hunter retaliated by swinging a curtain with crayon drawing all over it at Sharpie. Who easily dodged and slice the curtain in half. Then ducked under a potentially decapitating swing from a purple crayon.
And then the mods came in and said this chapter was getting too long so the action will have to wait.
Chapter with numbers
Written by Grongringo01.
Squeaky arrived at the bottom of the hill, rolled into the swimming pool, and started launching potato missiles at the Noodle Brothers. Laughing, Mr. Noodle sliced the missiles into bits with a cardboard sword, while Mr. Noodle's Brother Mr. Noodle held out a fryer behind the sword and started making French fries. Well, at least until he got socked in the face with a potato, making him drop the boiling oil and French fries onto the soldiers, who just dodged the projectiles. Meanwhile, Sharpie was in the middle of dodging throwing crayons. Elmo, who was deflecting exploding Sharpie Markers, gave up on his tactic and wrested Sharpie to the ground. "You're losing! Heeheeheeheehee!!" yelled the Dark Hunter, swinging a crayon at the electric minifig's head. The said minifig just dodged it. But then, Elmo managed to pin Sharpie to the ground with a well aimed crayon, which stuck his leather jacket to the ground. Sharpie couldn't reach his flaregun, nor his blue force blade, for they were at his waist. He was proverbially toast. Elmo raised his crayon to the sky. "Any last words? Oh! Wait! Hang on! Forget I ever said that. It's too cheesy. Anyway- He. Hehee. Heeheehahoohee! Ahaheehoohehahee!!! What-ha! Is-Heehoo! So-hahehohohe! FUNNY!!!! HAHAHEEHAHAHA!!!!!" Elmo rolled over on his side, nearly tickled to death by-something. A minifig was standing over him, deck out in black armor from head to toe, and holding something in his hand. His name was Grongringro-eth.
Mini Chapter 1
Written by Talmid.
"heer barni, i haz somtig tu shows yuz!" thedude rambled to his Tyrannosaurus Rex friend.
"*Gulpy laugh* Oh, what is it Master *gulpy laugh*?" Barney gurgled. thedude led him outside to his secret base's front door, and pointed to a switch next to the fake wood door, which was actually titanium painted to look like wood. "Oh boy oh boy, its a doorbell!" Barney chortled. "I love doorbells, doorbells love me, we're all a happy family-"
"shup yuz stuped dyno!" thedude yelled. "iv yuz keep siging is wil mak yuz prsse ti!"
"But shouldn't I *giggle* press it?" Barney asked.
"nwo, yuz is tu vahlooabal." thedude said. He whistled, and a bumbling Space Marauder ran up. "prsse ti buton!" thedude commanded.
"Yes master." the Space Marauder said monotonously, and pressed the doorbell.
A voice recording of thedude suddenly sounded, saying, "dis is NOHT ah scret baus! pleeze leve sum laught woords aftor da beeb! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB!!!"
Then a large pink cloud of goo shot out from a hidden turret under the doorbell and blasted the Space Marauder, turning him into a pool of pink sludge.
"yuz lik eet?" thedude asked.
Chapter Unnumbered
Written by Firelash02.
Thousands upon thousands of Paradox Rogues stood in a massive hoard, with thedude pacing back and forth in front of them. He had an agitated look about him, and he couldn't think strait.
"all me awesome plans fail. why. me upset." he said distractedly. "me installified a doorbell if doomness, and no stupid knights shoe up to pressify it. why." he turned to his troops, a fiery anger in his eyes. "all troops commanded to march to king matthias land and doomify him."
The Rogues gave a mighty yell, and marched off into the distance. Until suddenly.....
Cshapter wutevar it iz
Written by Universe4561.
Lukey saw the black knight and said, "I thank thee sir, for saving us from that evil creature. But who are ye?" "I am Sir Grongringro-eth ," said the knight, " At your service." Then Lukey said, "Good, we couldn't have survived that ambush if it wasn't for you. That reminds me, I think we need more knights. Its time to go put the posters." The knights and Squeaky traveled back to the castle and when they got there, Lukey, or Sir Lukas, went back to LU and started advertising. "The kingdom needs you!" He shouted, "Join the Knights of Olde Speech!"
Later, Sir Luke looked at who joined the KotOS. "Hm, so we have Sir Dragon, Sir Fishul, Sir Ranger, and Sir Ninjaman, " murmured Lukas. Just then, Grongringro-eth came to him. " What is it Grong? " Asked Lukas. Grongringro-eth replied, "It seems we have gotten the recruits just in time Sir, thedude's army is attacking!"
Lukas turned his head and saw the army of paradox. Then he shouted, "Charge!!!!!!"
