User blog:TheNightingale/Nightingale Reviews - X-Men 3
Hello everybody, and welcome to my first blogspace movie review. Today I'll be criticising with satire reviewing X-Men 3: The Last Stand, aka X3, X-Men 3 and also "The One Where Everybody Dies"
I'll start off spoiler free, and then I'll probably go into the spoilers, but hey - this movie is 9 years old now, so if you want to know about it, get it on DVD :P
The Plot
Taking place a few years after the very successful X2/X-Men 2, we follow our favourite mutants (apart from Gambit, Bishop, and Deadpool) going through even more struggles. Cyclops (James Marsden) in particular is having major depression and anxiety over the loss of his girlfriend/wife (they aren't clear) Jean Grey (Famke Jannsen) from X2 (spoilers). And if that subplot wasn't enough, we also have this whole Rogue/Iceman/Shadowcat love triangle which is painstakingly boring and dull. The major "plot" is really that the government have found a cure to "fix" mutations, courtesy of the great Astonishing X-Men arc created by Joss Whedon (god of the nerds). Jean Grey is also resurrected due to them trying to use the whole Phoenix Saga.
Now, onto spoiler-y stuff for the rest.
For some reason, Professor X (Patrick Stewart) and Magneto (Sir Ian McKellen) and their crews do not bother teaming up like in X2 to save and help all mutants, instead - they do another X-Men cliche #36: Magneto is always the villain. So, Professor X gets killed by Dark-Phoenix who for some reason has lost the mental ability to remember who Magneto and his crew are, so she joins them. Though this is only a ticking time bomb as she keeps reverting from Jean Grey to Dark Phoenix, thus becoming as useful as a chocolate fireguard. Not only did she kill Professor X, she also killed Cyclops in another Dark Phoenix transformation. And she had the "fun times" with Wolverine only to end up absorbing his life and nearly killing him - but it's Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). He can't die. Are we meant to care?
Now I need to talk about the terrible mutants Magneto gets - specifically - Juggernaut. He is a walking internet meme. I don't want to swear on this, but I will (with censoring) for this excellent line:
- “I'm the Juggernaut, b*tch!”
- ―Juggernaut
Honestly. The dialogue in this film is beyond terrible. You get terrible lines like "who is hiding, you dickhead" and others like "by my stars and garnets" in proper serious tones. Who wrote this dialogue?!
And then you have the MacGuffin style mutant cure. Mystique (The one who isn't Jennifer Lawrence) takes a bullet for Magneto and is no longer and mutant and is then left there by the cold, heartless Magneto who has known her for nearly 40-50 years. What a terrible person. I understand he's like this...but...wow. And then he's shot...and well...he's no longer mutant.
That's it for the story stuff, now onto other stuff!
Fun facts
- Vinny Jones who played Juggernaut was originally going to wear a muscle suit for the role, but felt less masculine so he requested to have more time to bulk up naturally instead.
- The love triangle is boring and pointless
- They murdered the Jean Grey saga
- The beginning with Magneto and Professor X visiting Jean Grey as a child to recruit her completely contradicts the ending of X-Men First Class in which it is shown they went in separate ways as young men in their late 20's.
- It isn't the worst X-Men film. Wolverine Origins is.
The acting
For the most part, every single character had a good portrayal in this film in terms of acting. The only problem was that their dialogue is just cringeworthingly bad.
Final Verdict
I rate out of 5 usually, but I'll give a new system.
This movie gets a rating of "For Gods Sake Turn It Off!".
Hope you enjoyed.
Nightingale
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